I have been thinking about many possible things to write about in here lately, but couldn't choose where to start. Sometimes the creative spark is hard to catch. Today I decided to make a post about something that i have been trying to remember as a part of my own healing journey from depression, the journey that is still going on.
The feeling of eternal emptiness.
I don't know if i have read about it a ot, even though I have read lot about healing self. Psychologically, spiritually, self-help books, physically... It often leaves it out and even I myself have started to forget it. The helpless floating through empty space. That feeling, when you already know you can't control the thing that got you in trouble and you start falling, but it is zero gravity now, and you are not going anywhere. And you struggle, because you think you should be able to do more and feel more now as you are not falling, to find your "thing", what interests you, to decide how to move forward... but you are not going anywhere. And you try to do something - ANYTHING - to escape the empty space. And you think you can force yourself interested and excited and you push over your limits trying to generate feelings and burn out again. That feeling...
Only to realize that the healing starts easier, if you drop it. Accept it. So what, if the better day you save all the good stuff for never comes, I do this one thing today. This one tiny thing I know is good for me, even if i have to rest for a week after it. I do this thing i really want to, and try my best to take care of my basic needs: food, rest, shower when able... I dont go overboard with things to do, and learn to accept that yes, now i feel like everything is dead, or that i am the alien on this earth, or invisible, miserable, exhausted creature. And you try your best to show up for the people who make you feel good, those with whom you dont need to pretend with, contact them or atleast answer them time to time.
And then one day, the things start to come. Those things that make you interested, cautiously excited even. Feelings might not be as strong as you are used to at first, but they are there and they are real. You like this thing!
And that thing is a right thing. Not necessarily THE right thing, but one of YOUR right things. We all have more than one, full toolbox of them. Sometimes you jut need to stop long enough to notice them. And the empty space, the dead space, turns into resting place, where all the seeds wait for the right time to sprout.
Sometimes it comes easier when you focus on yourself on a bit more earthly level. Listen to your body. It knows what it needs. Listen your inner impulses... Your body might want to stretch and dance a bit occasionally, or your lungs ask you to move on the balcony and breathe deep... For me personally, the nature is so important part of healing, that any contact to it is beneficial. Also, it is good to express yourself, even if it only to yourself, by writing, poems, art, dance, music... but none of it is more important than taking care of your basic needs, be compassionate towards yourself, THAT is a priority. Accept the limits of your reality in NOW, but keep testing them occasionally, when you feel you can. You dont have to do more, when your body screams and is already over it's limits and on survival mode. It IS hard to be artistic, happy and able on survival mode after all. It is not a time to add more things to do to gain more control. That comes when you KNOW what it is that is the right thing to add.
Oh, and take it from me. Sometimes it really helps to think, that you really dont have to find the old you and do and fell the things like the old you did. You can be the new you. Just find the world a new. New tastes, interests, new ways to be... And sometimes balance really is nicer than the hyperdrive... And yes, the world isnt always fair, no matter what you do, but it can be pretty nice anyway, when you do the things you love. And, absolutely no one is worth getting bitter over and never to try to love again, or make new friends again - that would mean they won your life on the lottery and threw it in the trashcan with your love. Life is better with love... But it is ok to make sure you can trust the people, before you put all in. Just remember that there is no love without risk, if you never risk it, you see what it is about.
What else... Oh, people arent perfect. None of us. We are all full of shit. And we are not even meant to be the machines which will give the perfect words to everyone and never make mistakes in communication or life in general. It isnt realistic to wait too much from any of us. It isn¨t however a reason not to try to communicate. And silent treatments are usually seen just a childish way to manipulate the situation to make other person to break the ice... in the opposite end it usually forms only this cycle of guilt (did i say something wrong), worry (is everything ok) and whatever (who cares anyway) and/or anger. So it isnt really the most effective way to go forward with anyone. If you need silence, you ask for space and tell what you need. Ofcourse, if the other person doesnt respect your boundaries, i guess it is allowed to cut them off if saying it doesn't work. So I think i end the post in the other thing that is pretty much as important as the rest of it...
Boundaries. It is good to try to see where yours are and if they are strong enough, or too strong. And it is good to learn to respect yourself to see where the others are in terms of respect related to you. It is easier to heal, when you are not tossed around in constant chaos or limbo all the time. So, get to know your energetic limits and boundaries a bit better... It will make you feel like an asshole, if your boundaries are non-existent like mine were. But it makes your life a lot more easier after you get over the uncomfortable part. I should have said it earlier. Things WILL be uncomfotable, change often is. Even the GOOD change. But if it is the right change, the feeling starts to wear off when you get to know the new grounds better.
So... Stay with it. Stay with yourself. Come back to yourself, even after those times when you run away, that is what counts. It wont vanish forever if you make a mistake, you find it waiting there again, when you come back. In silence. In emptiness. And it gets easier to stay.
Always remember, you ARE enough, as you are, right now.
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