I have been thinking about this post occasionally, but this morning, very early this morning, I decided to do it.
First of all, I have always felt somehow lacking something. Maybe it is because of my not so shiny childhood or whatever. I have never really felt like home anywhere, never safe, never fitting in, too shy, too sensitive, you name it. So I was a perfect target audience for all that stuff, that tells you how to be a perfected human. Maybe not so human, but ideal form of human. And of course, i yearned to feel special too. So, I spent 10 years searching for the magic formula to actually learn to live my life "better", just to realize, i could have spent it better by accepting myself as good enough in the first place...
What did I ended up with then? Many, many hard lessons. It takes TONS of energy to try to make your emotions fit inside the ideal, it is perfect ground to grow unhealthy relationships, where you have all the compassion and the savior complex and others use it in their advantage. It is exhausting trying to weed your every "bad" thought, to avoid the doom and gloom the law of attraction puts upon your head if you don't control your every smallest thought. You know that one form of psychosis or schizophrenia? The continuous feeling that someone watches your thoughts and if they are not just right, something bad happens? Kind of like that. It taught me to yield when i was supposed to stand my ground, it gave me the excuse to actually avoid my life, until I am done with perfecting myself and know how. It gave me permission to go after what i wanted without thinking that what i wanted might actually be the same old unhealthy pattern I was more familiar with than the actually healthy alternative.... It gave me friends, who mostly used me as a shit bucket, it gave me fair weather friends, and as a end result of everything, it left me with less self respect i have ever had in my life.
But of course, in a very, very hard way, it also taught me how to draw the line. After I did that, set boundaries and stopped being available every moment, i lost most of the people in my life and myself for a while. I felt like nothing, surrounded by nothing and like it was my fault. Everything was my fault, including the bad weather. Sign of punishment, right? Well... no. I needed to do A LOT to accept myself as bit less than the ideal i had adopted somewhere on the way. As good enough. To realize that the world just is NOT always fair, no matter how good of a human or person you are, or think you are. There is no perfect balance. There are only choices you make and YOU decide what you want to work on and what you want to leave behind. Of course, spiritual career might be your thing and if it suits for you and makes you happy, go for it! For me... I find more spirituality in the woods and mountains, oceans and the stars, and when losing myself in the creative processes, or even when gaming and yelling at my computer when dying in the game for x time. :) I do like the gaming again occasionally, now that i am not beating myself up from not doing something more useful with my life, like reading about how i should change myself to be happy and loved.... It could be that i AM more selfish now, but i am not anxious 24/7 as i was before. I needed to learn to say no. And i needed to find my way back in the hope and actually liking myself as i am.
When you really make the change, it is totally normal to feel lost for a while, sometimes for a long while... it is one of the sure signs that you are on it, but of course, it feels like you are not... as you feel totally detached from everything, including yourself. You have decided not to do the old way, but are not sure how to do the new. After that comes the self search... what do I want and think NOW. It feels like a new world, opinions change, style might change, interests, favorites... You start to question what you believe in and if there is proof to back it up, you are done with the truly, madly, deeply, blindly - "I give you everything if you just notice me" - type of love. And you might notice that some of your spirituality was there just to feel more special and get more attention... You might even notice you don't need or want so much of attention now and start to be more interested in your process. You might, very slowly, find things you actually enjoy and are not doing because it is healthy, or you are SUPPOSED to do them as a "spiritual" human being... You might actually like people again, in small doses, whenever you feel like being around them, but you don't force yourself to be social anymore.... you might find love which loves no matter what and not just when it is convenient...
And you might start build a life. The kind of life you want to live. Without reading million words about how you are supposed to be, act and feel to get it for free. You might occasionally read a few words about things you used to and see if you want to do anything or not, but you focus more on what is in your life and in your SELF and give yourself a break from the demands of being a perfect/ideal and spiritual human. We all are what we are, there is no shame in feeling human feelings and thinking human thoughts. No one is going to punish you, don't punish yourself trying to weed out humanity from yourself. It is good enough to not to harm anyone. You don't have to get top score on every board. You know what i mean, not all of us are social by nature, not all of us are seers or healers, not all of us are interested in astrology or personality tests (you know, you can also start limiting your potential based on those, not just "know yourself better"), not all of us see the angels or want to yoga or meditate daily... We can still be decent human beings and do our part in our own lives, whatever they might be. And it doesn't mean we need to include everyone. You CAN do your thing, and your own kind of spiritual, even without shouting it to the world.
And darling, Your potential IS unlimited. But it is ok that you decide what you want to use it for, make yourself proud. Some things need more work than others, but it is up to you to decide what dream you go for and what is already old news. Don't pick yourself other people's dreams, no matter how bright they shine. Yours might be still hiding under a pile of dust, but when you give it the proper care...
<3
Thursday, October 4, 2018
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Sometimes the change just happens - little blog changes
When I started writing this new-ish blog, I was very focused on what doesn't work. The bad sides of positive, the good sides of allowing the so-called negative... I was planning to write about the awful side of social media and the need of slowing down and simplifying too, in very harsh words, which is why i picked up my alter ego, Sir Ass. To say things that aren't said outloud when involved with the "spiritual" part of life. Then I started thinking... Why? What do I get from it? Wouldn't it be more beneficial to share what works? And focus on myself instead. What I like, what I do, how I manage this life thing? Gods know how long I have been focusing outside of myself. Ofcourse, even the subject of "I" seems to be no no in some places, but what if you have been trying so hard and so long, that you have forgotten yourself?
This here is maybe 5th blog I am starting. I am very good at starting them, just the follow through is wobbly. Like with pretty much everything in my life. So this time, instead of deleting and creating a new one, i decided to make my rebirthing processes public too. I have absolutely no idea where i am going, this is a healing journey, no one knows the destination of those. I always tried to be right and give useful advice and options to consider in various subjects, as I do have huge information bank to tap on in my brain. But people don't always want or even need advice, they want to be heard, they want to explore their own depths. They want to know that it is possible to make changes.
So I am going to explore the depths. And I am not going to limit the blog to one subject. Whatever you think you are, there is always more. And even the subjects i know tickle my interest are quite wide range of things. I do want to write about the social media and slowing things down too though, but I think as my wounds are healing and getting nice crust on them, with delicate new skin forming underneath, I am seeing more sides in the story than one.
It is a tough journey, after being disappointed in people, including yourself, to start looking for the way up. For a while it was very hard for me, to not be bitter or jealous, when it seemed everyone else is climbing up the ladder that you can't even see yet. And on those moments, social media is pretty nasty place to be in. I still have a profile for the hobby groups, for the likeminded people, even tho I dont have personal account under my own name anymore. I started thinking that the personal should indeed be personal. Not a 24/7 showcase for people you hardly even interact with more than occasionally thumbs up in facebook. But for the hobby stuff and event tracking, social media is awesome! I still notice the tendency to get too wired up when online a lot though, the frantic need to always have something to do or think or read and being unable to calm the mind or yourself down... So it is good to take breaks, go outside, do something less fast moving, like gardening, or arts/crafts, calendar plans (one of my newest hobbies is Bullet Journaling, altho I do it bit simplified). I feel that the balance is good in everything. Being online, being in the body, being in the mind, being spiritual, you name it.
So in short, I have no idea where I am going or if my story helps or even triggers any interest in anyone, but I am going to write about the stuff important to me, and hopefuly get some pictures included as well eventually. Right now i am lacking proper working space, so I get lazy with the layouts and things, as I am not using proper computer, which would make things easier. I am exercising my wish muscles about it tho, will see. Anyway, the blog name changes a bit, and layouts maybe too when i get my computer out again. Otherwise, world just got bigger. :)
(And we are back with creator being "Saga" - the mother of Sir Ass)
This here is maybe 5th blog I am starting. I am very good at starting them, just the follow through is wobbly. Like with pretty much everything in my life. So this time, instead of deleting and creating a new one, i decided to make my rebirthing processes public too. I have absolutely no idea where i am going, this is a healing journey, no one knows the destination of those. I always tried to be right and give useful advice and options to consider in various subjects, as I do have huge information bank to tap on in my brain. But people don't always want or even need advice, they want to be heard, they want to explore their own depths. They want to know that it is possible to make changes.
So I am going to explore the depths. And I am not going to limit the blog to one subject. Whatever you think you are, there is always more. And even the subjects i know tickle my interest are quite wide range of things. I do want to write about the social media and slowing things down too though, but I think as my wounds are healing and getting nice crust on them, with delicate new skin forming underneath, I am seeing more sides in the story than one.
It is a tough journey, after being disappointed in people, including yourself, to start looking for the way up. For a while it was very hard for me, to not be bitter or jealous, when it seemed everyone else is climbing up the ladder that you can't even see yet. And on those moments, social media is pretty nasty place to be in. I still have a profile for the hobby groups, for the likeminded people, even tho I dont have personal account under my own name anymore. I started thinking that the personal should indeed be personal. Not a 24/7 showcase for people you hardly even interact with more than occasionally thumbs up in facebook. But for the hobby stuff and event tracking, social media is awesome! I still notice the tendency to get too wired up when online a lot though, the frantic need to always have something to do or think or read and being unable to calm the mind or yourself down... So it is good to take breaks, go outside, do something less fast moving, like gardening, or arts/crafts, calendar plans (one of my newest hobbies is Bullet Journaling, altho I do it bit simplified). I feel that the balance is good in everything. Being online, being in the body, being in the mind, being spiritual, you name it.
So in short, I have no idea where I am going or if my story helps or even triggers any interest in anyone, but I am going to write about the stuff important to me, and hopefuly get some pictures included as well eventually. Right now i am lacking proper working space, so I get lazy with the layouts and things, as I am not using proper computer, which would make things easier. I am exercising my wish muscles about it tho, will see. Anyway, the blog name changes a bit, and layouts maybe too when i get my computer out again. Otherwise, world just got bigger. :)
(And we are back with creator being "Saga" - the mother of Sir Ass)
Sunday, June 3, 2018
I remember the emptiness...
I have been thinking about many possible things to write about in here lately, but couldn't choose where to start. Sometimes the creative spark is hard to catch. Today I decided to make a post about something that i have been trying to remember as a part of my own healing journey from depression, the journey that is still going on.
The feeling of eternal emptiness.
I don't know if i have read about it a ot, even though I have read lot about healing self. Psychologically, spiritually, self-help books, physically... It often leaves it out and even I myself have started to forget it. The helpless floating through empty space. That feeling, when you already know you can't control the thing that got you in trouble and you start falling, but it is zero gravity now, and you are not going anywhere. And you struggle, because you think you should be able to do more and feel more now as you are not falling, to find your "thing", what interests you, to decide how to move forward... but you are not going anywhere. And you try to do something - ANYTHING - to escape the empty space. And you think you can force yourself interested and excited and you push over your limits trying to generate feelings and burn out again. That feeling...
Only to realize that the healing starts easier, if you drop it. Accept it. So what, if the better day you save all the good stuff for never comes, I do this one thing today. This one tiny thing I know is good for me, even if i have to rest for a week after it. I do this thing i really want to, and try my best to take care of my basic needs: food, rest, shower when able... I dont go overboard with things to do, and learn to accept that yes, now i feel like everything is dead, or that i am the alien on this earth, or invisible, miserable, exhausted creature. And you try your best to show up for the people who make you feel good, those with whom you dont need to pretend with, contact them or atleast answer them time to time.
And then one day, the things start to come. Those things that make you interested, cautiously excited even. Feelings might not be as strong as you are used to at first, but they are there and they are real. You like this thing!
And that thing is a right thing. Not necessarily THE right thing, but one of YOUR right things. We all have more than one, full toolbox of them. Sometimes you jut need to stop long enough to notice them. And the empty space, the dead space, turns into resting place, where all the seeds wait for the right time to sprout.
Sometimes it comes easier when you focus on yourself on a bit more earthly level. Listen to your body. It knows what it needs. Listen your inner impulses... Your body might want to stretch and dance a bit occasionally, or your lungs ask you to move on the balcony and breathe deep... For me personally, the nature is so important part of healing, that any contact to it is beneficial. Also, it is good to express yourself, even if it only to yourself, by writing, poems, art, dance, music... but none of it is more important than taking care of your basic needs, be compassionate towards yourself, THAT is a priority. Accept the limits of your reality in NOW, but keep testing them occasionally, when you feel you can. You dont have to do more, when your body screams and is already over it's limits and on survival mode. It IS hard to be artistic, happy and able on survival mode after all. It is not a time to add more things to do to gain more control. That comes when you KNOW what it is that is the right thing to add.
Oh, and take it from me. Sometimes it really helps to think, that you really dont have to find the old you and do and fell the things like the old you did. You can be the new you. Just find the world a new. New tastes, interests, new ways to be... And sometimes balance really is nicer than the hyperdrive... And yes, the world isnt always fair, no matter what you do, but it can be pretty nice anyway, when you do the things you love. And, absolutely no one is worth getting bitter over and never to try to love again, or make new friends again - that would mean they won your life on the lottery and threw it in the trashcan with your love. Life is better with love... But it is ok to make sure you can trust the people, before you put all in. Just remember that there is no love without risk, if you never risk it, you see what it is about.
What else... Oh, people arent perfect. None of us. We are all full of shit. And we are not even meant to be the machines which will give the perfect words to everyone and never make mistakes in communication or life in general. It isnt realistic to wait too much from any of us. It isn¨t however a reason not to try to communicate. And silent treatments are usually seen just a childish way to manipulate the situation to make other person to break the ice... in the opposite end it usually forms only this cycle of guilt (did i say something wrong), worry (is everything ok) and whatever (who cares anyway) and/or anger. So it isnt really the most effective way to go forward with anyone. If you need silence, you ask for space and tell what you need. Ofcourse, if the other person doesnt respect your boundaries, i guess it is allowed to cut them off if saying it doesn't work. So I think i end the post in the other thing that is pretty much as important as the rest of it...
Boundaries. It is good to try to see where yours are and if they are strong enough, or too strong. And it is good to learn to respect yourself to see where the others are in terms of respect related to you. It is easier to heal, when you are not tossed around in constant chaos or limbo all the time. So, get to know your energetic limits and boundaries a bit better... It will make you feel like an asshole, if your boundaries are non-existent like mine were. But it makes your life a lot more easier after you get over the uncomfortable part. I should have said it earlier. Things WILL be uncomfotable, change often is. Even the GOOD change. But if it is the right change, the feeling starts to wear off when you get to know the new grounds better.
So... Stay with it. Stay with yourself. Come back to yourself, even after those times when you run away, that is what counts. It wont vanish forever if you make a mistake, you find it waiting there again, when you come back. In silence. In emptiness. And it gets easier to stay.
Always remember, you ARE enough, as you are, right now.
The feeling of eternal emptiness.
I don't know if i have read about it a ot, even though I have read lot about healing self. Psychologically, spiritually, self-help books, physically... It often leaves it out and even I myself have started to forget it. The helpless floating through empty space. That feeling, when you already know you can't control the thing that got you in trouble and you start falling, but it is zero gravity now, and you are not going anywhere. And you struggle, because you think you should be able to do more and feel more now as you are not falling, to find your "thing", what interests you, to decide how to move forward... but you are not going anywhere. And you try to do something - ANYTHING - to escape the empty space. And you think you can force yourself interested and excited and you push over your limits trying to generate feelings and burn out again. That feeling...
Only to realize that the healing starts easier, if you drop it. Accept it. So what, if the better day you save all the good stuff for never comes, I do this one thing today. This one tiny thing I know is good for me, even if i have to rest for a week after it. I do this thing i really want to, and try my best to take care of my basic needs: food, rest, shower when able... I dont go overboard with things to do, and learn to accept that yes, now i feel like everything is dead, or that i am the alien on this earth, or invisible, miserable, exhausted creature. And you try your best to show up for the people who make you feel good, those with whom you dont need to pretend with, contact them or atleast answer them time to time.
And then one day, the things start to come. Those things that make you interested, cautiously excited even. Feelings might not be as strong as you are used to at first, but they are there and they are real. You like this thing!
And that thing is a right thing. Not necessarily THE right thing, but one of YOUR right things. We all have more than one, full toolbox of them. Sometimes you jut need to stop long enough to notice them. And the empty space, the dead space, turns into resting place, where all the seeds wait for the right time to sprout.
Sometimes it comes easier when you focus on yourself on a bit more earthly level. Listen to your body. It knows what it needs. Listen your inner impulses... Your body might want to stretch and dance a bit occasionally, or your lungs ask you to move on the balcony and breathe deep... For me personally, the nature is so important part of healing, that any contact to it is beneficial. Also, it is good to express yourself, even if it only to yourself, by writing, poems, art, dance, music... but none of it is more important than taking care of your basic needs, be compassionate towards yourself, THAT is a priority. Accept the limits of your reality in NOW, but keep testing them occasionally, when you feel you can. You dont have to do more, when your body screams and is already over it's limits and on survival mode. It IS hard to be artistic, happy and able on survival mode after all. It is not a time to add more things to do to gain more control. That comes when you KNOW what it is that is the right thing to add.
Oh, and take it from me. Sometimes it really helps to think, that you really dont have to find the old you and do and fell the things like the old you did. You can be the new you. Just find the world a new. New tastes, interests, new ways to be... And sometimes balance really is nicer than the hyperdrive... And yes, the world isnt always fair, no matter what you do, but it can be pretty nice anyway, when you do the things you love. And, absolutely no one is worth getting bitter over and never to try to love again, or make new friends again - that would mean they won your life on the lottery and threw it in the trashcan with your love. Life is better with love... But it is ok to make sure you can trust the people, before you put all in. Just remember that there is no love without risk, if you never risk it, you see what it is about.
What else... Oh, people arent perfect. None of us. We are all full of shit. And we are not even meant to be the machines which will give the perfect words to everyone and never make mistakes in communication or life in general. It isnt realistic to wait too much from any of us. It isn¨t however a reason not to try to communicate. And silent treatments are usually seen just a childish way to manipulate the situation to make other person to break the ice... in the opposite end it usually forms only this cycle of guilt (did i say something wrong), worry (is everything ok) and whatever (who cares anyway) and/or anger. So it isnt really the most effective way to go forward with anyone. If you need silence, you ask for space and tell what you need. Ofcourse, if the other person doesnt respect your boundaries, i guess it is allowed to cut them off if saying it doesn't work. So I think i end the post in the other thing that is pretty much as important as the rest of it...
Boundaries. It is good to try to see where yours are and if they are strong enough, or too strong. And it is good to learn to respect yourself to see where the others are in terms of respect related to you. It is easier to heal, when you are not tossed around in constant chaos or limbo all the time. So, get to know your energetic limits and boundaries a bit better... It will make you feel like an asshole, if your boundaries are non-existent like mine were. But it makes your life a lot more easier after you get over the uncomfortable part. I should have said it earlier. Things WILL be uncomfotable, change often is. Even the GOOD change. But if it is the right change, the feeling starts to wear off when you get to know the new grounds better.
So... Stay with it. Stay with yourself. Come back to yourself, even after those times when you run away, that is what counts. It wont vanish forever if you make a mistake, you find it waiting there again, when you come back. In silence. In emptiness. And it gets easier to stay.
Always remember, you ARE enough, as you are, right now.
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