I have been thinking about this post occasionally, but this morning, very early this morning, I decided to do it.
First of all, I have always felt somehow lacking something. Maybe it is because of my not so shiny childhood or whatever. I have never really felt like home anywhere, never safe, never fitting in, too shy, too sensitive, you name it. So I was a perfect target audience for all that stuff, that tells you how to be a perfected human. Maybe not so human, but ideal form of human. And of course, i yearned to feel special too. So, I spent 10 years searching for the magic formula to actually learn to live my life "better", just to realize, i could have spent it better by accepting myself as good enough in the first place...
What did I ended up with then? Many, many hard lessons. It takes TONS of energy to try to make your emotions fit inside the ideal, it is perfect ground to grow unhealthy relationships, where you have all the compassion and the savior complex and others use it in their advantage. It is exhausting trying to weed your every "bad" thought, to avoid the doom and gloom the law of attraction puts upon your head if you don't control your every smallest thought. You know that one form of psychosis or schizophrenia? The continuous feeling that someone watches your thoughts and if they are not just right, something bad happens? Kind of like that. It taught me to yield when i was supposed to stand my ground, it gave me the excuse to actually avoid my life, until I am done with perfecting myself and know how. It gave me permission to go after what i wanted without thinking that what i wanted might actually be the same old unhealthy pattern I was more familiar with than the actually healthy alternative.... It gave me friends, who mostly used me as a shit bucket, it gave me fair weather friends, and as a end result of everything, it left me with less self respect i have ever had in my life.
But of course, in a very, very hard way, it also taught me how to draw the line. After I did that, set boundaries and stopped being available every moment, i lost most of the people in my life and myself for a while. I felt like nothing, surrounded by nothing and like it was my fault. Everything was my fault, including the bad weather. Sign of punishment, right? Well... no. I needed to do A LOT to accept myself as bit less than the ideal i had adopted somewhere on the way. As good enough. To realize that the world just is NOT always fair, no matter how good of a human or person you are, or think you are. There is no perfect balance. There are only choices you make and YOU decide what you want to work on and what you want to leave behind. Of course, spiritual career might be your thing and if it suits for you and makes you happy, go for it! For me... I find more spirituality in the woods and mountains, oceans and the stars, and when losing myself in the creative processes, or even when gaming and yelling at my computer when dying in the game for x time. :) I do like the gaming again occasionally, now that i am not beating myself up from not doing something more useful with my life, like reading about how i should change myself to be happy and loved.... It could be that i AM more selfish now, but i am not anxious 24/7 as i was before. I needed to learn to say no. And i needed to find my way back in the hope and actually liking myself as i am.
When you really make the change, it is totally normal to feel lost for a while, sometimes for a long while... it is one of the sure signs that you are on it, but of course, it feels like you are not... as you feel totally detached from everything, including yourself. You have decided not to do the old way, but are not sure how to do the new. After that comes the self search... what do I want and think NOW. It feels like a new world, opinions change, style might change, interests, favorites... You start to question what you believe in and if there is proof to back it up, you are done with the truly, madly, deeply, blindly - "I give you everything if you just notice me" - type of love. And you might notice that some of your spirituality was there just to feel more special and get more attention... You might even notice you don't need or want so much of attention now and start to be more interested in your process. You might, very slowly, find things you actually enjoy and are not doing because it is healthy, or you are SUPPOSED to do them as a "spiritual" human being... You might actually like people again, in small doses, whenever you feel like being around them, but you don't force yourself to be social anymore.... you might find love which loves no matter what and not just when it is convenient...
And you might start build a life. The kind of life you want to live. Without reading million words about how you are supposed to be, act and feel to get it for free. You might occasionally read a few words about things you used to and see if you want to do anything or not, but you focus more on what is in your life and in your SELF and give yourself a break from the demands of being a perfect/ideal and spiritual human. We all are what we are, there is no shame in feeling human feelings and thinking human thoughts. No one is going to punish you, don't punish yourself trying to weed out humanity from yourself. It is good enough to not to harm anyone. You don't have to get top score on every board. You know what i mean, not all of us are social by nature, not all of us are seers or healers, not all of us are interested in astrology or personality tests (you know, you can also start limiting your potential based on those, not just "know yourself better"), not all of us see the angels or want to yoga or meditate daily... We can still be decent human beings and do our part in our own lives, whatever they might be. And it doesn't mean we need to include everyone. You CAN do your thing, and your own kind of spiritual, even without shouting it to the world.
And darling, Your potential IS unlimited. But it is ok that you decide what you want to use it for, make yourself proud. Some things need more work than others, but it is up to you to decide what dream you go for and what is already old news. Don't pick yourself other people's dreams, no matter how bright they shine. Yours might be still hiding under a pile of dust, but when you give it the proper care...
<3
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